Annie Get Your Gun

This past week was hard. Ted was in Boston all week for meetings and that leaves me home alone with three punks and two dogs. Not usually a problem and it really wasn't this week either but Im finally doing a tiny bit of interior design work and I had some of that to take care of as well.

I was in my office painting some lettering to go on the wall of my eight year old client when my neighbor Alicia showed up. She is what I call a Southern tomboy. She grew up in Alabama and is the one lonely sister to three or four brothers. She is Kick ASS!!  My kids and husband LOVE her, her awesome husband and son too. So she stops by with her son and comes into my office to hang out with me while I paint. First thing she says is " Dude... your office is disgusting", I'm like What? It's not that bad, I just haven't straightened up in a while.( like ever!)

"Dude this is a hot mess. I couldn't work in this chaos" She's totally pulling a "Stephanie" on me. I have finally met my match. She just calls it like she see's it. I LOVE it. I wasn't offended at all. Next she cruises into the garage where she continues on her OCD cleanliness rampage and tells me how nasty our garage is. Dude... like I don't already know it. Ted hates it when the garage is messy  but hasn't had the time to sweep and shop vac it out. She asks if I will give her permission to clean out the garage and make it look pretty, I tell her she's a freak but go ahead... do whatever blows your freakin skirt up you FREAK!

The next day Ted is home and I run out the door first thing in the morning to take Ari to volleyball when Alicia shows up with her son and starts to sweep out the garage. Ted is home and already pissey because we are out of milk so he can't have his cereal. In my defense we were technically NOT out of milk but the full gallon we did have expired that day and when I went to pour it in my coffee I realized that it tasted like crap so I dumped it down the drain. Nasty.

Alicia continues to sweep and straighten the garage when Ted walks out in his suit to go to work. He's like..."what the Hell are you doing to my garage?" Alicia loves Ted so she just explains to him that she needs something to do and since her own house is so freaking clean, she is looking for someone elses house to clean. He tells her she's a freak and heads off to work. Whew! Crisis avoided. ( he doesn't like other people doing things for him that he can do himself)

Two Days later after a clean office and a clean garage, the kids are playing outside in the steam. ( the yard) when Indy runs in and tells me that there is a snake outside and to come quickly. I do what any other self respecting housewife does in this situation... I grab my cell phone and run out the door with a dish towel on my shoulder. When I get outside and am able to determine that it is indeed a poisonous snake I do the next sensible thing... I call Alicia and her husband Curry and tell them to come quickly and get this snake out of our yard. She always tells me that if I see a poisonous snake to just call her and she come down with her shot gun and take care of it. So I get my tall rainboots on to protect my ankles and keep my eye on the snake ( from a safe distance) so I can point it out to Curry when he gets here. Like twenty three minutes later they finally show up. First they stop and chat with Ted and then finally head on over to me where I am still standing in the tall grass with my dish towel over my shoulder and my rainboots on trying not to loose sight of this beautiful diamond head snake.

When Curry arrives to the spot where I am standing... I get a good look at what he is carrying. I shall show you a picture so you can get the full effect.

Yes... that's a glass of red wine in one hand and a gun in the other. Oh by the way... That's his son standing next to him. Curry tells me that the snake isn't big enough to shoot. HIs son Alex starts to cry. I ask Curry why he is crying and he tells me that he is crying because he didn't get to shoot anything.

They spend the next half an hour harrassing me for worrying about a tiny little poisonous snake. He tells me about the Godzilla of a snake that was in the road the other night that was as big around as his forarm... Now that's the kind of snake you gotta shoot before he gets ahold of one of the kids.

Another neighbor rolls up in her golf cart with her two babies in the seat with her. The 9 month old in her lap and the two year old sitting next to her while she drives. She takes one look at Curry's hand gun and say's " Nice girl gun".

Yea that's how we roll down here in the deep South. The three most inportant things to a southerner...

"God, Guns and Football" That's about it in a nutshell. And wine of course.

NOT ME MONDAY

This is gonna be a day late because of operation beautiful but I have to narc on myself..

I did NOT just finish cleaning my sons room that was so loaded with dust that i was sneezing the entire time. It has NOT been seven months since I took every little teeny tiny "treasure" off of his book shelves, desk and night stand and actually wiped down all the filthy surfaces in his room. 

I am certainly Not that bad of a house keeper and I certainly clean the rest of the house much more often than that! I swear I totally do!! It's just that I run away screaming every time I even think about having to go in there and move all of that Crap off of the shelves.

I did NOT Purge a bunch of stuff when he wasn't looking just to do a bit of de-cluttering. I  would never do that.

I most certainly do NOT have any plans to do even more purging after school starts. I have the utmost respect for my kids and their CRAP treasures and would never get rid of their stuff without asking.

NO not me.

Operation Beautiful

Good Morning my dear friends and readers. As I was skimming through my daily blogs that I like to read when I came across one that is most certainly worth sharing..

A message we should all be teaching , not only our daughters but our sons as well.

When I was in high school I was 5'10" and VERY skinny. I had a dancers body, a washboard stomach and legs that went on for days. I thought I wasn't pretty enough, I thought I was fat.

It was only after I started having children that I realized what a distorted self image I had. Now as I sit here 30 years later, three kids, and several cross country moves under my belt and a few pounds heavier, (OK more than a few pounds but we're not gonna talk about that now are we?) I realize that my body, no matter what size it is has carried me through some major life struggles, birthed three kids (big ones!) nursed for a total of 27 months and moved 5 times in 6 years. Whew!! And it's only 2010!!
I watch as my teenager is reminded that she is NOT the size of some of her petite tiny little friends and I am constantly reminding her that she does NOT come from petite people and that her ancestors were in part from Eastern Europe (Poland , Slovakia) who worked all day on the farm and killed and cooked all the meals, some were Vikings and some were Oklahoma farmers.  I remind her that her beautiful legs, though not tiny will hold her steady when she makes those kills at the Volleyball net. They will help keep her injury free and solid for as long as she wants if she keeps them strong.

Lets all spend a little time each day to remind our kids that what and how we treat people is more important than how we look. Teach them to be of service and that giving is a whole lot more fun than getting.
Beauty is not skin deep but goes much further into our soul. Some of the most beautiful people I know are not beautiful because of their outer shell but because of the light that they spread to people around them.

spread the message and keep it moving!!
Life is good.

Oh yea one more thing...

You are beautiful just the way you are!!!

Pass it on.

Fish Anyone??

The kids spent all morning on Sunday fishing on our little lake. They started showing up at 7:45am and continued until we had eight people.

I did manage to put a bra on before they converged on us but that's about it. Hadn't even brushed my teeth before I was cooking up Huevos Rancheros for breakfast and serving it to whomever was hungry.

You know you have some good friends when you can whip up breakfast in your pajamas and not worry about the way you look. The boys had a ball. Caught a bunch of Big Mouthed Bass. I was so excited for them until they all informed me that they were keeping them and we would be eating them later.

"Um, I'm NOT cleaning those." 

"it's OK mom because Mr. Steve is gonna bring his electric fillet knife and clean them in the kitchen sink."

Oh Yay.

"Umm if your gonna clean those does that mean I have to cook them?"

"yes, that's what that means"

So I cooked up six tiny 2" filet's last night and had the kids deliver the pieces to the other fishermen.

They loved it and I survived my first backyard experience of livin off the land.

Just so you get an idea of the weather down here in the deep South... When I went outside to take pictures of the boys and their "catch", my camera immediately fogged up from the humidity. That's exactly the same reaction I have when I walk outside. I steam up.

What am I feeling?

I woke up this morning feeling anxious. 

nervous

scared

worried

sad

One of my children is leaving this morning. Not one of my blood children but one just as important. Ari's best friend has been here for a week. It has been a great week. Mostly because my kids have been so happy. Emily lives in new Hampshire and has been Ari's friend since the day we arrived there in the arctic tundra in January 2008. They have shared so much... good and sad, loss of a friend, loss of living right around the corner from each other. They're friendship has stood up to being separated by 3000 miles. Thank GOD for skype. they text all the time. They skype all the time. They can talk and still feel like they are in the same room, plotting, planning, talking. 

I worry because Ari hasn't invested emotionally here. She hasn't and probably won't for a while. That's OK because she deserves to take her time. I worry about how it will be around here after Emily goes home today. 

I wish for them...

a lifetime of a close and special friendship.

a bond that will not and cannot be broken simply by geography.

I wish for them to find a friend nearby that they can feel close to but that they can always know that no matter where they are in the world ... That when they both look up at the moon, they remember that they are both looking at the same moon and therefore,  are together... no matter what.

The Past Few Weeks

The past couple weeks or so have been quite busy.

WE had a quiet 4th of July. It was beastly hot which of course kept me inside and NOT wanting to do much of anything. After holding the kids off for most of the day we finally made a visit to the pool after our backyard BBQ for some fun in the water. This was Ted's second or third visit to the pool all season.(Not his scene). He was recruited as the jumping off platform for his two daughters who were more than excited to have a parent in the pool who was actually willing to get his hair wet. NO I do NOT get my hair wet as it will fade my hair color and make it look brassy. NOT a good look for the Mama.

My oldest child is a huge dork.

Ted got his first piece of mail from the AARP. I thought it was funny. He immediately picked up the phone and called them wanting to know why they were sending him this crap when he is most definitely NOT in their club yet.

Poppy Tom and Nephew Morgan arrived for a week long visit this past Tuesday and are here until next Tuesday. They have had fun in spite of me being deathly ill. As I write this I am on the sofa while the rest of the Fam are out and about eating waffles and scouting alligators. 

Alex starts Golf camp Monday and has already made a valiant attempt at getting out of it. He reminded me last night that he already took a golf lesson and therefore knows everything there is to know about the game of golf. After laughing my ass off at his usual M.O. I promptly told him "Nice try" but you are going weather you want to or not.

Indy on the other hand starts Volleyball camp this week also and is counting down the minutes until Monday when she will head on over to Southern Alabama University ( a division one volleyball school) for her week long all day camp. She has been wearing her knee pads all weekend.

Ari is just on the tail end of her count down to when BFF Emily arrives for her visit. Tuesday I will be dropping off two house guests and picking up a new one. Can't wait, love having the kids friends visit.

Me? I will be sucking on my albuterol until tomorrow when I can get to the doctor. I spent a better part of last night digging in every medicine cabinet in the house trying to find something I could take to keep me out of the ER until Monday. Thank GAWWD Ted found an inhaler from when I had pneumonia a couple of years ago. Way to go Honey!! Love ya for that!!

I Am A Boat Captain

A few weeks ago when I took Ari to get her Drivers permit I decided that I should do something constructive and try and take the Boaters exam. I studied for a total of  about 1 1/2 hours online then took the boaters exam along side Ari as she took her drivers test. She got all dolled up and had her makeup on so her driver's permit picture would be gorgeous!
Me on the other hand hadn't yet showered that day as I was NOT going to have my picture taken. I was only there to take a computerized test and then assumably have them put some sort of secret sticker on my license to show that I am indeed a licensed vessel driver. So I took the test and passed.  Yay for me!! I was so excited until I hear the lady behind the desk tell me to stand on the black line so she can take my picture.
This is where you hear the screeching sound of a needle on a record player. That's right... WHAT?!?!
me-"Oh you must be mistaken..."
" I'm not here to take a new picture, I already have my Alabama drivers license."
"See? Here is it... This was the day I blew out and straightened my hair and put make up on and actually put on earrings too!"
 Lady-"Please step on the line Honey and we need to take a new picture of you today for your NEW license"
me- " But, But, I haven't showered or  put any makeup on yet today" It's 4:30 pm  BTW.

Lady- "It's OK Honey you look fine"
I do NOT look fine... My hair is pulled into a tight ugly knot in back and I am in need of a good root cover-up if you know what I mean, I have nothing on my eyes except for a few tiny pieces of yesterdays mascara.

I desperately rip my hair out of the greasy knot and try my best to fluff and shake it into submission. I flip my head upside down hoping that I will magically flip back up and look somewhat like a super model.
NO such luck.
So here I am standing on the black line with flat hair down to my jaw from being pulled so tight for so long and the the rest of my hair is resembling something like a frizzy straw thing. Big, flat and frizzy all rolled up into one big HOT mess.
I smile and get it over with while mumbling to myself that the only people who will ever see my license is a cop or a bar bouncer. And since I don't hang out in bars and I don't get pulled over too often then maybe all will OK with the world.

Meanwhile little miss priss (Arianna) is right next to me taking the most beautiful drivers permit picture we ever did see. Even the ladies behind the desk spend a good 2-3 minutes oohing and awing about how beautiful she is and how this is the most gorgeous picture they have ever seen. She sits there politely and smiles and I write the check for all of this afternoon fun and can't wait to get the Hell outta there.
My only consolation??? I am now the proud  recipient of a license to drive a water vessel. Oh and by the way, I have NEVER driven a boat, nor do we own a boat. Nor do we plan on buying a boat.

I'm just sayin.